It can burst with love in the same moment it feels shattered in a million pieces. It can rage & feel peace together. All I know is grief is awful & beautiful at the same time.
While my heart & my mind seem to shuffle through about a million different emotions each day, I've clung to one thing in these past 3 months.
I believe that God is good, that His plan is perfect, and He has a purpose for my life.
I don't say that lightly. I say that as a woman who has sat crumpled on the floor, feet away from the ashes of my 1 pound, 1 ounce daughter, with tears streaming down my face as I've told my creator that I still believe.
I'm still getting the basics of life back on track right now. And that's okay. I hit rock bottom the moment that my daughter died, and it takes time to pull yourself out of a pit like that.
But I'm not doing it alone. It's only by the grace of God that I've made it as far as I have.
I don't know what my future holds right now. All of the plans that I had for the future included Arabella, and I'm just not in a place where I can move past them. I've had to let them go, but I'm not ready to start dreaming again.
So I wait. I wait upon the Lord in hopes that He will reveal some of His plan to me. I wait as my heart continues to heal, bit by bit, little by little. I wait for the time when it feels safe to dream again.
Until then, I will continue to believe that God is good, His plan is perfect and He has a purpose for my life.
5 comments
Your faith in God is to be applauded after such an horrendous thing happening to you, but I am sure that it will be rewarded and his purpose will be revealed eventually! Take care! Hazel xx
ReplyDeleteKeep writing as it is very therapeutic. I wrote a lot after my husband died and I am glad I captured those thoughts when I did. Keep trusting God, even if you don't understand His will. God bless you and your husband, he is going through the same thing even if he doesn't deal with it the same as you.
ReplyDeleteI think of you often (and your baby girl). I know time does help with healing but some things dont ever completely feel 'normal' . You will develop a new normal routine and feel whole again. Just know that writing, sharing your stories and art can aide in the healing journey. You are surrounded by support and love and many of us think of your sweet family. Thank you for including us in this life journey. In peace, kim
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm waiting by John Waller.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time to your blog. And wow!!! You have blessed me beyond with this post! My heart aches for you. I've not experienced that, but I did labor with my daughter who knew she was delivering her stillborn twin sons. It is by far the hardest thing we've ever experienced! Like you, we had begun to dream and prepare for a very busy life....she had a daughter that wouldn't even be 1 when the boys were due! And then those dreams died...and mourning the "what would have been"...that was tough! But...we believe, and we know God has His plans for our lives...and we won't always like it! Trusting His will is often times, very hard! But our faith did not pass with the boys! We still believe in an Almighty God who does ALL things well!!! As I write this, I'm praying for you, a woman I don't even know....that the God of the universe will hold you in His arms and bring you comfort! God bless!!!
ReplyDeleteComments warm my heart. Thank you! ♥