I KNOW what the Bible says about fear. I KNOW that God doesn't want me to fear anything but Him. I KNOW that it isn't Christlike to fear. My brain gets it. But try telling that to my wounded heart.
Since that stormy night when we lost Ellie, I've become fearful of my own mortality. Of Josh's. Of my family's. I check my dogs when they are asleep to make sure they are breathing.
I'm fearful at the thought of it happening again. That I will only ever be part of the 1 in 4 club. That my only experiences with pregnancy will be death.
And I am fearful to ask God for anything in my prayers. Especially a miracle.
I've always tried to make sure my prayers aren't self-obsessed. That they are based in gratitude and praise for God. That I come humbly when I am in need of forgiveness. That I share my heart honestly with the God that already knows what's weighing on me.
But I don't ask for much. If I do, it is typically for other people.
Then we got the news that everything about Ellie's life was uncertain, and all I wanted was for her to be okay. I prayed, and pleaded, and cried, and flat out begged for her to be healed. But it didn't happen...not in the way that I wanted.
One of the very few times I've prayed selfishly, and the answer broke my heart.
I think a lot of my fear stems from the fact that I am having a really hard time trusting in Him after all of this. I believe that He is good, He is perfect and that He has a plan for me. But my heart is having a hard trusting in that. My mind & my heart can't seem to get on the same page.
I am so sick of being fearful. I want to be faithful.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You."
Psalm 56:3
Lord, let this be the prayer on my lips when fear creeps up on me & my trust in you is failing.
3 comments
So sorry for your loss, Lea. I, too, had a stillborn. He, Christopher David. was born many years ago. But, I still have the ache in my heart as if it were yesterday every November. I've often thought about scrapbooking his photos and my pregnancy, but didn't know how to start it. Thank you so much for the inspiration! My heart goes out to you. Thinking of you and praying for you, hugs!
ReplyDeleteI've been through the wringer for completely different reasons over the last year, and yet, I find myself in the same place between knowing what God's Word says but lacking that trust. Heartbreak and fear have paralyzed me, and no matter how much I want to break free, that would still mean letting go and allowing myself to potentially go back to that place where it all began again. Thinking of you, Lea, and hoping you find your new path to trust and the courage to come boldly before His throne. XOXO
ReplyDeleteFear and trust. Those were big ones for me. My husband died in the hospital. WHAT??? The hospital? They are supposed to save you. I was so let down by the very people that I looked to for help. In the end it just reminded me of who is really in control.
ReplyDeleteComments warm my heart. Thank you! ♥