Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - Honor

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. I am participating in a month long healing event called "Capture Your Grief", organized by CarlyMarie Project Heal. Each day of the month there is a prompt for taking a photo & writing/journaling. Today the prompt is honor. In honor of.

Introducing a peek at Arabella Grace Lawson.

I am fiercely protective of her. And of the 188 photos that I have of her. But I want to give you a little peek at her. So you will know just how real she is to me. Why my empty arms ache. Why my heart breaks every single day.

This is my daughter.
At approximately 8:21pm on Sunday, July 12th her heart quit beating.
Her heart had been beating just three awful contractions before that.
In a moment, she was just gone.

Less than one hour later, she was born still.
She weighed 1 pound, 1 ounce.
She was 10 inches long.
She had the start of curly blonde hair.
Her nose was probably the cutest one I'd ever seen.
She was so so tiny, but utterly perfect.

And I miss her. Every single second of every single day. Some days I'm not completely sure how I put one foot in front of the other.

But I do. Because I have to. Because I want to. Because this tiny person impacted my life in such a big way.

She made me a mama. And I will honor that for the rest of my days.

12 comments

Rubeena I.October 4, 2015 at 9:04 PM
So incredibly sorry for your loss. <3
Lucy AbramsOctober 5, 2015 at 7:36 AM
I read all of your posts, and they are heartbreaking. I am so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your beautiful photograph. I wish I knew what to say. Please just know that I, along with many others, am thinking of you. x
LauraJane:)October 5, 2015 at 9:38 AM
Grieving with/for you.
Lea LawsonOctober 5, 2015 at 10:02 AM
Lainey Crafter - I just wanted to let you know why I chose to delete your comment from this post. I would have emailed you privately, but I couldn't find one for you.

This post is about my daughter. It's the first time I've ever shared a photo of her publicly. And that was a big step for me.

In your comment you proceeded to tell me what I needed to start doing to see God's plan. And that just isn't helpful to me. I'm working on finding ways that I can serve people that feels meaningful & Christ led. Ways that I can honor my beautiful baby girl. But I am still healing from all of this myself, and it takes time.

I say all of this out of love & with repect.
Amy ShefferOctober 5, 2015 at 5:03 PM
What a precious photo, Lea. Thank you for sharing it. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you every day.
Kim FaucherOctober 5, 2015 at 6:16 PM
Thank you for sharing this with us. I find it helpful for me to grieve when I know others have gone on similar journeys as me. I would very much like to formulate words and tell my stories to family as well. Love seeing this precious photo.
Miriam PrantnerOctober 6, 2015 at 9:16 AM
Thank you for sharing a picture with us. She is beautiful!
Mary-Anne VOctober 6, 2015 at 6:45 PM
Gorgeous picture of you two...thank you for sharing Arabella with us and allowing us to see the beautiful bond captured so perfectly in this picture. Prayers coming your way.
Jinny NewlinOctober 6, 2015 at 9:23 PM
Perfection, Leah! TFS! Hang in there, love!
Nancy DynesOctober 7, 2015 at 12:13 AM
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter!! My heart cries for you and the pain you endure every day. I went through the same situation in 1982. It was before the Internet or support groups. I was told by my doctor that it was natures way of weeding out infants with disabilities or birth defects, and that we could always try again. They wouldn't let me hold my baby or take photos. I cried every day for what seemed like forever. I would sit in the nursery and hold the sleepers we had already purchased for our little one. They smelled like Dreft because I had already laundered them. Nobody around me understood how I felt, not even my husband. I felt so alone, helpless, and heart broken. I just wanted my baby back.
I'm glad you've found a way to express your feelings and this terrible journey you never thought you would have to be on. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family, and your little angel in heaven.
Hugs,
Nancy
Lisa H.November 6, 2015 at 5:57 AM
I gave a little gasp when I first saw this photo of you two. Then my heart ached for you. I'm so sorry you have had to endure this pain and loss Lea. What a beautiful picture you have that captured a so much emotion. I see why you are protective of these photos. love and prayers, Lisa
Cindy Coutts @ Cindy B DesignsNovember 30, 2015 at 12:26 PM
Thank you for sharing such a precious and beautiful photo with me (us) of baby Ellie. You and Josh continue to be in my prayers. Your card above is also very pretty. Don't worry about it. I know you have an extremely difficult season ahead of you. It's those "firsts" that get you every time. I've lost a child as well, and a lot more along the way, and I honestly don't know how I'm here half of the time. I didn't cling to God like you are. I gave up on Him. But, He did not give up on me. God will bless you for your faithfulness in a way that you can't even imagine. You keep on doing what you have to do and what is right for you, and know that there are so very many people who are praying for you and supporting you, who most likely will for the rest of their lives. I always know when people are praying for me. You feel it. I know it's one second at a time. I'm glad you are not giving up. We are always a work in process. Hugs and blessings to you.