I have officially lived without Ellie for longer than I had with her.
I was really indifferent, perhaps even hesitant for 2016. I usually love New Years Eve, but this year... this year it just wasn't my thing. Partly because leaving 2015 felt a bit like leaving Ellie behind too. And partly because of the unknown. I don't know what will transpire this year and after the doozy that was 2015...fear about the future can bring me to my knees sometimes.
When I look back on 2015, I can honestly say it was the worst year of my life. It started with so much hope & so much joy, but then it all came crashing down around us. I've hurt in this life, but never like this before. Never so deeply, and never so raw. In all my life, I've never been so broken.
And in all my life...I've never been so honest. I've never been very forthcoming with my feelings, until they were just too much to keep in. This honesty has been most prevalent in my relationship with God. I have gotten to the point where I can lay it all out there and say, "Here I am, Lord. Do with this mess what you think best."
2015 was pretty awful. But it was pretty beautiful too. I was graced with the presence of my precious daughter for 25 weeks & 3 days. I got less than half a year with her, but gained a lifetime of love for her. I will miss her every single second of every single day for the rest of my life. I sometimes think about the day that will be my time to go home to Heaven. About how after I bow before my precious Jesus in worship, I will look Him face to face and ask Him where she is. I will see her, and she will know me, and there will be no more tears because we will be reunited and living with our beautiful Creator forever.
What a day that will be, my friends.
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." ~Jesus (John 16:33)
4 comments
Lea,this post really touched me!! :( I am so so very sorry! :(
ReplyDeleteI will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! Hugs across the ocean!!!
Lea, You will never, ever, forget her, nor what you have been through this year. But, you have survived a half year; then it will be a year; then five...You will continue on with, hopefully, a life full of children, not "taking her place," but taking up your time and worry and attention. There is truth to the adage that "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." You now know some of your strength, and god has made you privy to that for a reason that you do not know yet. Do not live in fear for the other shoe to drop, as it may be that by your example, you have provided a light for someone else. Perhaps you have provided, or will provide, faith, inspiration, strength, or solace for a friend, or even stranger, that will save them from their own hand, and will lead them to the path of a faith in a power greater than themselves. You have done well; it is all a matter of getting up one day at a time, and putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day. The strength comes in hindsight, when you look back to see your footprints, and know that you will be able to compassionately support someone else when you are needed. Elaine
ReplyDeleteLea, thank you for sharing this post, how precious are your thoughts, words and feelings. You are brave and so loved by God. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and hugs to you. -Amy
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your feelings with us, in a real way. You're still in my prayers, hugs!
ReplyDeleteComments warm my heart. Thank you! ♥