Our Tiny Valentine

 I took a pregnancy test when we woke up on Christmas morning.  Within seconds (not minutes like the test instructs) it told me what I already knew...I am pregnant for the 3rd time.   As of today I am almost 12 weeks along, and this little one is due to arrive around August 30, 2016.  I've been showing since about 7 weeks along...and I am so sick of trying to "hide" being pregnant.  The notion of a safe zone doesn't really mean anything to me anyways.

This was not a surprise.  After going through the ectopic I don't just get pregnant, so I require a little bit of help from my doctor.  This was, however, quite the journey that I am still on.  Right after Ellie died, I begged God to take my longing to have a child away.  The thought of getting pregnant again physically sickened me, and the thought of it happening again was extremely overwhelming.

That part...it's still overwhelming.  And scary.  Because the fact of the matter is that it is still possible.  I have no promise or guarantee that this pregnancy will end any differently.  Because they found nothing wrong with me that would have caused Ellie's issues, there are no precautions that can be taken to prevent them.  My doctor has decided to separate the fact that I went into pre-term labor from Ellie's diagnosis, so there will be some things that get done from 16-36 weeks to try & stop that possibility from happening.

I could choose to carry this baby with constant fear.  I could wait every single day for the other shoe to drop.  I believe with certainty that no one would blame me if I did.  But I just can't.  I am so sick of being scared.  So I'm choosing this instead:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." -Psalm 56:3

 Six months ago God didn't take my longing to start a family away from me.  Instead, I had to struggle and fight and pray and claw my way to where I am at today.  And that is a place where I can separate the death of Ellie from my view of pregnancy.  I still struggle with her death.  I wish it were different...but it's not.  It's never going to be.  But there are also realities that I've had to face about wanting to have a family that I can't wait on forever.

I am not ashamed of becoming pregnant.  I am excited and happy and thrilled...but I'm also apprehensive.  I'm not apprehensive to love...that is an inane part of me.  We saw this little one's heartbeat at our first ultrasound.  I was 5 weeks, 6 days along.  At a time when everything about pregnancy is still so uncertain & volatile...and we were able to see a heartbeat.  No matter what happens...I love this little baby.

I'm apprehensive of others.  Of telling people our news.  Not because I am ashamed or unhappy.  But because I feel the need to protect myself from people.  I feel the need to protect myself from unsolicited advice.  Because no matter how well meaning the advice giver is trying to be...all it makes me feel is that they think I could have done something differently in my pregnancy with Ellie.  That I somehow could have changed the outcome if I'd only done this or that. 

Let me state this right here & right now.

I could not have eaten better.

Or drank more water.

Or rested more.

Or prayed more.

Or asked for more medical opinions.

I did everything I could for Ellie.  It just wasn't enough to overcome her diagnosis.  For some reason that I will never know or understand....I wasn't allowed to keep her.  Her life was meant to be spent in Heaven.

So please, unless I ask for it, do not try to give me advice.  Please don't allude to this one "working out" or being the baby I was meant to have.  Because quite frankly, that insults the memory of my precious Arabella Grace.  I've had to realize that our family will never be complete this side of Heaven.  We could have a million biological, adopted or fostered children...but we will never be complete.  A very precious, wanted & longed for baby girl will always be missing, and I get to deal with that reality every single day for the rest of my life.

What can you do?  Be happy for me.  Pray for me.  Pray for my heart as I continue to grieve my Ellie at the same time I anticipate the possibility of a new life.  Pray for my well being & the baby's.  And just be there with me.  Notice that I said with, and not for.  For indicates action...and I don't really need anything done FOR me.  But you can be with me, side by side, as I encounter all the different thoughts, feelings & emotions that come along with being pregnant again after a very tragic loss.  I know that is an uncomfortable place to be, but it is truly the best thing you can do for those that are grieving.

I'll close this blog post with a little funny outtake from our photo shoot.  My husband thought we should take a photo making fun of all the props we used.  Well, technically...all the props I chose for us to use.  He just obliges me.  ;)

 

Until later,
~L.