Two Years.

It's that time of year when I feel it more. The anxious reminder of everything that happened that night…of everything I saw.

When I write that, it doesn't mean this is the only time of year that I feel the depth of Layton's death. The sting has dulled, but grief has become a constant companion. It's like a soulmate. Always there. Invisibly holding my hand in the moments when I weep alone. A constant that will be with me until the moment I take my last breath. And while the weight of Layton's death doesn't feel like it's trying to drive me into the ground any longer, it will always be part of my daily life.

What I'm talking about is the nightmare. The flashbacks of everything that I watched happen to my son that night. Everything that had to be done to try and save his life…and in the end it just wasn't enough. I've always said that I will never verbalize what I saw that night, and I stand by that truth. While it haunts me, it's not how I want Layton to be remembered. He deserves to be remembered as the sweetest, cutest baby boy who fought for every moment of his incredible life.

When I look back on what I wrote last year, I was so angry. But I think that is pretty normal. Year one is hard…raw…everything still feels so volatile. Over the span of year two that rawness has softened. I still feel his loss deep within the depths of my soul. Every single day I miss that beautiful baby boy more than I can share in words. But it's easier to talk about him without bursting into tears. It's easier to answer the question, "Do you have kids?" And if I do cry, I'm okay with it. Because grief and the tears that come from it are just love in action.

Layton's life, though far too short, was an incredible blessing. He touched more people in his 5 months on this earth than many do in an entire lifetime. I wish he were here. But since he can't be here, I can think of no better place than in the arms of our Savior, waiting for us in Heaven's Nursery. What a day that will be, my friends, when we are reunited not only with Layton, but our sweet Ellie too. Until then little ones…we love you and miss you every single second of every single day.

Love, mommy & daddy.