Year 1 was full of anger & surviving.
Year 2 was full of deep, deep sorrow.
Year 3 has been a lot about wondering, and questioning. Who would you have been? What would be your favorite things? What would you have looked like? Would you still be in the hospital? Where would you have been developmentally?
Those questions don't come without anger & sorrow, but most days it's softer. The days where they feel like they are trying to drill me into the ground come less often. It still happens, but I don't stay there as long as I once did. And I feel like this wondering & questioning stage is going to be a long one - likely for the rest of my life.
I will always wonder who both you & Ellie would have become. We are in the time of year that is always the hardest for me. Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.....my favorite time of year, that I couldn't wait to share with you both. Dressing you up in the cutest costumes, playing in leaves, taking family photos in adorable sweaters & boots. Decorating, baking cookies, looking at Christmas lights, buying you presents, volunteering our time....
We lost so many moments....so many MEMORIES the days you both died.
Oh how I wanted to have them all. The good moments, and the bad. The scary, and the amazing. The insignificant moments that never would have been insignificant to me. I wanted them ALL.
I feel robbed of so much. I feel jealous that other parents get all of them with their kids. Especially when it seems they aren't absolutely in awe that their little ones are alive and well, and getting to do all these amazing things.
We do things in your honor. We do things in your memory. And while that is wonderful, and heartwarming and I won't ever stop doing it...but it does feel like putting a tiny band aid over a huge, gaping hole in my heart.
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wonder who you would have been in that very moment. What we would have been doing. What the day would have held for us.
I'll keep wondering until the day I take my final breath, and meet you both on the other side of the veil.
Until then little ones....I love you & miss you every single second of every single day.
Love,
mommy
10 comments
I am aching with you, and shed a few tears while reading your post. Thank you for sharing that with us.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you must be going through everyday. My heart aches for you and your family. Stay strong Lea!
ReplyDeleteOh Lea, sending you hugs! The right words don't seem to come, but my tears and support for you do.
ReplyDeleteTime can't heal our deepest pains, but we have a blessed hope that we'll be reunited with our loved ones. Hugs to your family.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful beautiful post Lea. I am so so sorry for your loss. You live a life of grace that Ellie and Layton could only be proud of
ReplyDeleteLea, words cannot describe how much my heart hurts for you during this time. What a beautiful post honoring your two sweet angels in heaven. Sending all of my love to you.
ReplyDeleteYes, you will see
ReplyDeletethem again and have
eternity with them.
Carla from Utah
So beautifully written Lea.. Yes, tears for you and all those missed moments. Love and Hugs filled with sympathy.
ReplyDeleteDearest Lea, I pray the heaviness in your heart is lifted, a little each day. I’ve never received answers for the most heart breaking times in my life but realized some goodness from them, did come later. It isn’t a consolation but I believe you have helped others. United in Heaven, May GOD bless you.
ReplyDeleteComments warm my heart. Thank you! ♥